I’ve always been in the same spot, no matter how many times I might have denied it (or tried to embrace it).

I’ve always loved him and still do. Nothing makes me happier than to be with him. No matter how many times I’ve drifted from this place or even when the one you love pushes you away, that’s what I learned coming out of everything. I love him and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m starting to feel things start to pile on and it’s only been a week. I’m usually the optimistic one of my friends, but I definitely feel the stress coming down on us. I just feel so slow right now, like I can’t keep up with my classes and their assignments. The truth is that I’m probably still settling into a decent schedule and there simple isn’t an adjustment period for that in our course schedules lol. I know I’ll be okay. I’ll make it out alive. Just gotta take it one day at a time. 

Beyond the fact that I don’t have choice than to survive this, I should be doing better. I just know it. I look back to last semester… and things are so much better now. I have no reason to be slacking. Honestly, if you take the stress out of the equation, i’m really happy. I know life has kinda picked up for some others and their lack of presence wears me out too but… I don’t know. I don’t hold anything against Philip, really I don’t. I don’t mean to refer last semester to upset him. He knows it, I hope. The only reason I ever bring it up, even if it’s on my own, is to just be thankful and do better. So in comparison to last, things are better and I feel much better. I feel normal again. I feel like myself. I’m in a good place!

No more. I’d say that this is the last time I’ll write about you, but I know that’s a lie. You’re always going to be part of my life and I can’t hide from that fact.

I’m ashamed of myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m becoming the next Peyton in your life and that’s not me. I remember when you said that I couldn’t always be “high school Angie”… It’s true. I can’t and I’m not, but I don’t know if I like who I’m becoming either. 

You can’t make someone stay if they don’t want to stay. Angela, you bashed this saying in your head for months. You knew it. 

If I ever had the opportunity to go back in time, to whatever point in time it may be, that could change the outcome in this, I would. I really would. He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect in my eyes. I could go on for hours or even days about how great of a guy he is… but honestly, it’s all over this Tumblr. And if he doesn’t know by now, then well, I hope he’ll figure it out soon. He’s made me into a better person. Maybe he’d fight me and say that he broke me, but from those broken pieces, some good came out of them.

I can’t keep doing this to myself. Sometimes, I really think I’ve been going at this for 4 years. 4 whole years… that’s just crazy. As great as he may make me feel, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t play this game anymore. I think it’s just going to break us more than anything if we ever kept playing. 

He’s right and it’s not that I didn’t know it either. I have to move on. I don’t want to, but I have to. I need to do this. I will do this. There’s someone out there who wants to stay with me through it all. I know there is. 

2017 is going to be a good year. I’m going to make it a good year.

Two people asked me if I was happy where I am… and honestly, I’m just such a loss for words right now.

How are you suppose to feel when… you cried for days, wishing and hoping that you’d be given a chance to feel THAT way again. To be held by someone who makes you feel like you can take on the world and just know, even for that brief moment, that everything would be alright. I wanted to go back to the summer where I can just stare at you and make faces all day. I wanted to go back in time where we could make puns in bed and just laugh till I couldn’t breathe. At one point, I didn’t have any of that and I missed it dearly, but I was comforted by the fact that you’d come back to me because you were mine. I just knew that you’d be back for me and we could go back to our lame bum days. At another point in my life, I truly thought that the even mere thought of it was out of the picture. 

So how am I suppose to feel when I know that a conversation or question could just end everything right then and there? Everything that I’ve been wanting would be gone..

It’s rough because there’s could be so much more to all this. If he knew everything I wanted, i’m sure it would scare him away too.

Also, Anthony came to me today, talking about how relationship with Ryan and all. Just talking to him brought back the same ache in my chest that I felt a few months ago. The reality of everything really set in and it kind of sucks. I told him that as long as they set their hearts out to do it together, then they could make it happen. It didn’t matter what they’d face, they could do it. It made me think about when you said you were in it as long as I was. I feel like it was our motto for months. Maybe I gave him the wrong advice because you left when I had everything and more in.

I have so many questions… and I’m scared to ask them. 

Words…